Mayday

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It doesn’t get any easier as the years go by.

As the 4th of May approached for the seventh time since I lost my mum Joani I felt a familiar emptiness that bubbles to the surface every year on her birthday reminding me how much I lost when my mum passed away.

I knew my mum was ready to leave this earth but selfishly I wanted her to stay around for me.

Joani accepted her fate when she died, she told me many times she didn’t want to be dependent on others like her own mother had relied on her. She said she wouldn’t place that burden on me.

Even though my mum was okay about it, I’m not okay with it.

I feel cheated by time.

Leaving home to marry at a young age meant I didn’t see my mum often and life in my 20s and 30s disappeared in a whirlwind of raising a family and establishing a career. My mum was always a part of my busy life but I didn’t appreciate that our time was limited.

All too soon I hit my 40s and ironically decided to cut back on my working hours the year my mum died.

I wish I could have some of that time back to sit and talk to my mum who was always there for me.

I wish I could hold her hand and feel her loving arms around me.

I wish we had more time together.

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3 thoughts on “Mayday

  1. Sending hugs & support. Your words are heartfelt. We have lost many of our relatives in a pretty short amount of time and the losses are difficult to put into words for me. But you summed it up very nicely.

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  2. Jenna, I know this same feeling of sadness and the same feeling of being cheated by Time—my day is September 6th. My mom has been gone now for 27 years—of which it often seems like only yesterday. I raised a child completely without her, often finding myself, alone in tears wondering what I was doing and how much I needed her help. You’re right, it does not get easier, but I do know her death has transcended time as I know it and that I do feel her with me–just not in a tangible sense–which I miss. I wish she could now me now as a grown woman verses the young headstrong girl she left behind. I send you a warm embrace and love–julie

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    1. Thank you for taking the time to read my blog Julie, your response means a lot to me and it comforts me to know that I am not alone. I am so sorry you lost your mother 27 years ago and that she wasn’t alive to share the joys of raising your child. I will be thinking of you on 6th September and sending you love. Jenna.

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