Category Archives: Acceptance

Acceptance

Closure is something most people desire and I am no different.

As another calendar year nears the end it seems natural to look back and reflect on how the days unfolded.

I acknowledge 2013 as my first year of change after challenging myself to wake up and pay attention.

Jenna DeeIt took many months and multiple attempts but eventually I found closure on some life situations that had been holding me back for too long.

So it is with satisfaction and a feeling of content that I  close the door on these events and walk towards a new year of challenges.
No regrets.

This morning I read this poem on http://smallactofkindness.wordpress.com/ that eloquently expresses the essence of my post today.

You are not your age,
Nor the size of the clothes you wear,
You are not a weight,
Or the color of your hair.
You are not your name,
Or the dimples in your cheeks,
You are all the books you read,
And all the words you speak,
You are your croaky morning voice,
And the smiles you try to hide,
You are the sweetness in your laughter,
And every tear you’ve cried,
You’re the songs you sing so loudly when you know you’re all alone,
You’re the places you’ve been too,
And the one that you call home,
You’re the things that you believe in,
And the people that you love,
You’re the photos in your bedroom,
And the future you dream of,
You’re made of so much beauty,
But it seems you forgot,
When you decided that you were defined,
By all the things you’re not.
~e.h

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Joan’s place

white-picket-fenceLike a grand old lady growing old and infirm
Our once quaint beach house lacks vitality

She is broken and old
Lifeless and dull
Heartbroken

Broken old furniture
Cracked and peeling paint
Cobwebs draping
Floors stained and lifting

Photographs of her glory days reflect a simpler life and happy family times
Treasured memories live in my heart forever

Mum was right to go when she did
She didn’t want to rot away before our eyes
Like her house

Should we let the old house rest in peace and follow new adventures somewhere else
or give her new life?

Maybe the time has come to let her slip away gracefully and with dignity like my mum.

The way to do is to be

Blogging has opened a part of my mind that I’d managed to squash down for some time. It  challenges me to think about some things I’d rather not think about.

For me writing blog posts is therapeutic and helps me greatly at the time of writing by encouraging exploration and expression of my feelings. It is like cleansing my soul.

I’ve discovered that it is quite easy to write or say words but the really difficult part is making meaningful changes in my mind, feelings or attitudes. The actions are a lot harder than the words.

Fairly regularly I re-read my past blog posts and ask myself if have I brought about the changes I promised to modify since writing the post.

The truth is that the answer is usually no, not really, I’m still trying.

But today I gave myself a break by gaining inspiration from ancient philosopher Lao Tzu through his words that tell me to trust myself and just be me.

Always we hope

Always we hope
someone else has the answer
some other place will be better,
some other time it will all turn out.

This is it.
No one else has the answer
no other place will be better,
and it has already turned out.
at the center of your being

You have the answer,
you know who you are
and you know what you want.

There is no need
to run outside
for better seeing.

Nor to peer from a window.

Rather abide at the center of your being;
for the more you leave it, the less you learn.

Search your heart
and see
the way to do
is to be.
        — Lao Tzu

Fresh perspective

IMG_2072Something has been unsettling me lately and distracting me from my promise to myself to lead a positive and fulfilled life.

Last night I had an obscure dream that somehow made things seem clearer and I woke with a feeling of calm.

I’m the type of person who gets caught up in too many thoughts when trying to make important decisions, but after this dream I felt different. I just knew what was right for me. It was invigorating to feel free of worry, even for a short while.

Sometimes you have to listen to your heart and believe that everything will be all right.

Enjoy each day, be grateful for all that is good in your life for who knows what changes tomorrow may bring.

I’m feeling more peaceful already.

Blue bird-of-paradise

bird-of---paradise---4d0796e375215I found my voice hidden deep in my soul
And now sing passionately to the sky
Happy in knowing who I am
Will you let me sing you my song?

I love you and your quirky ways
And I don’t try to change you
I just keep loving you more each day
Will you sing the harmony with me?

My sound is a bit different,
And the lyrics not poetic
But to me my songs are beautiful
And singing warms my soul

Let me create my songs and sing them out of key
Sit next to me and hold my hand
Come and sing your songs with me
Will you sing in harmony with me?

Come what may

different point of viewYou never know when things are about to change that will challenge your preconceived concepts about life.

I remember life being less sophisticated in the 70’s when Google,  personal computers or mobile phones didn’t exist.

I learned about sex education from a book in the school library that I didn’t dare borrow and had to read quickly before anyone saw me. Somehow the information sunk in and I later had three children.

I vividly remember cradling my newborn baby daughter Lisa totally awestruck by the radiance of another baby to cherish forever. I hoped my children would be happy, healthy, lead fulfilling lives, get married and have children of their own.

The years spent embracing the pleasures and challenges of raising children flew past and before I knew it my children were adults.

One evening while at a Mexican restaurant I was blissfully unaware that our lives were about to take a dramatic turn. Normally effervescent and great company Lisa seemed preoccupied and I sensed something was troubling her.

After a couple of veiled attempts Lisa eventually managed to steer the conversation towards what she wanted to say.

“Mum and Dad, I’m gay.”

I looked at my husband’s face and knew he too was vulnerable about how to respond. This is not something we had expected. I felt uncomfortable hearing about it in a restaurant with people around us. I couldn’t think straight and was trying to understand what this would mean to our family.

“It’s just a phase you’re going through,” I said apprehensively.

“It is not a phase. I know who I am, I know what I feel and I know I am gay,’ Lisa said forcefully.

“We don’t want your life to be difficult because of social stigmas attached to homosexuality,” her father offered.

“I can’t change who I am to be convenient for society,” Lisa spat back at him.

Lisa tearfully tried to explain her feelings to us but we were still confused by her coming out. The conversation continued until our emotions were exhausted.  After paying for our meal we drove home together with an uneasy feeling in the air.

In bed that night we discussed our feelings about our daughter being gay. We didn’t know anything about lesbians. We knew a few  gay men and thought nothing of it, but this was our daughter, to us this seemed quite different.

After we couldn’t talk anymore I lay in bed going over in my mind what had transpired that evening. With the benefit of time alone to process my thoughts I knew that nothing could taint or change my love for Lisa who would always be my beautiful daughter.

As the light shone through the curtains signaling a new day I was hit by a warm sense of calm and clarity. I knew that all I needed to do was update the preconceived ideas I had when my baby was born all those years ago. It was that simple.