Category Archives: Loss

Nothing else matters

img_2835_editedFunerals have a way of reminding us of the importance of why we live, which is  love, hope and human connection.

Two of my dear friends each lost love ones recently and my heart feels their sadness.

Both women were incredibly brave at the respective funerals declaring their gratitude and love for the person they lost.

Drawing from their inner strength they shared their vulnerability with family and friends to honour the love they feel for their loved ones who passed away.

Today my thoughts are with my friends who are grieving the loss of someone very dear to them.

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Peace be with me

It is about this time every year when things start to feel different. No matter how hard I try to pretend that it’s just another day, it never is.

For most people September signals springtime and warmer weather to enjoy happy times. For me September is  laced with sorrow, a reminder that another year without my lovely mother has gone by.

I’ve stumbled through the predictable stages of grief during the past seven years. My heart remains laden with sadness and regret.  This tells me I’m yet to reach the acceptance stage.

What I miss the most is chatting with my mum. We talked about everything and would solve the problems of the world together. I always felt better after talking things over with mum.  She made everything seem clearer and helped me find solutions to my dilemmas.

As I can’t talk to her now I’ve decided to write mum a letter in the hope it helps me to admit my fears,  release my regrets and find peace in my life.

23 September 2013

My darling Mum

No one could have ever told me how much pain I would feel at losing you from my life.

It was so sudden. We spent the day together enjoying life.  That night you were lying in a hospital bed frail and broken, looking nothing like my beautiful mum.

Your accident  devastated Dad.  He rapidly diminished with fear of losing his soul mate. When prompted for a decision about maintaining life support Dad respected your instruction and sadly agreed to have it switched off.

I wanted to scream NNNOOOOOOOOO but remained silent.  I wish I’d been brave enough to say I wasn’t ready to let you go . It would have prolonged the inevitable but selfishly I needed more time. For this I am sorry.

After the medical staff  disconnected the machines I wanted to stay by your side until the end, but after a while Dad wanted you left alone.  I respected his decision and this is my biggest regret. Mum I walked away and left you alone to die.  I abandoned you. For this I am sorry.

My memory of your funeral is a blur of tears and pain. The image of your coffin occupies my mind and terrifies me in the darkest hours of the night when I lie awake.

 After you died I regularly visited your grave hoping to feel your presence. I never have.  I always feel cold emptiness invade my body. I don’t go there much anymore. For this I am sorry.

My long-term memories of you are joyful. Thank you for giving me life and always making me feel the most special person in the world.

You were the glue that held our family together and since you’ve gone our sibling relationships have disintegrated. For this I am sorry.

Lots of lovely things have happened in our lives since you’ve gone,  I wish you could have shared them with us. Even though I can’t feel your presence  I like to think you’ve been there in spirit.

The truth is I feel like you have abandoned me. I believe your spirit exists but I can’t feel it and not knowing why is the worst feeling. 

Please come to me in a dream, land on me as a butterfly or blow in my ear. I need to know you forgive me and still love me so that I can find peace and let you go.

Mum, I’m  scared that as more years pass I won’t remember when you were alive.

Your loving daughter
Jennie

Mayday

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It doesn’t get any easier as the years go by.

As the 4th of May approached for the seventh time since I lost my mum Joani I felt a familiar emptiness that bubbles to the surface every year on her birthday reminding me how much I lost when my mum passed away.

I knew my mum was ready to leave this earth but selfishly I wanted her to stay around for me.

Joani accepted her fate when she died, she told me many times she didn’t want to be dependent on others like her own mother had relied on her. She said she wouldn’t place that burden on me.

Even though my mum was okay about it, I’m not okay with it.

I feel cheated by time.

Leaving home to marry at a young age meant I didn’t see my mum often and life in my 20s and 30s disappeared in a whirlwind of raising a family and establishing a career. My mum was always a part of my busy life but I didn’t appreciate that our time was limited.

All too soon I hit my 40s and ironically decided to cut back on my working hours the year my mum died.

I wish I could have some of that time back to sit and talk to my mum who was always there for me.

I wish I could hold her hand and feel her loving arms around me.

I wish we had more time together.

Because you loved me

Even though my mother passed away six years ago she lives eternally in my thoughts. She is my mentor who is guiding me to become a more complete human being.

There are moments when I vividly recall things my mother said that I was dismissive of when I was a younger woman. I now understand she was sowing seeds in my mind giving me directions to find self-belief when I was ready to find it.

Along with Oprah she believed in showing gratitude and she always found good in people even when they betrayed her.

During my life I have taken too many things for granted.  Like other bloggers I wish to correct past wrongs and start publicly sharing the things I am grateful for.

My mum loved me unconditionally and truly believed in my potential to become a decent and valuable human being.

For this I am eternally grateful.

lyrics by Celine Dion

Because You Loved Me”

For all those times you stood by me
For all the truth that you made me see
For all the joy you brought to my life
For all the wrong that you made right
For every dream you made come true
For all the love I found in you
I’ll be forever thankful baby
You’re the one who held me up
Never let me fall
You’re the one who saw me through it all
……………
You were my strength when I was weak
You were my voice when I couldn’t speak
You were my eyes when I couldn’t see
You saw the best there was in me
Lifted me up when I couldn’t reach
You gave me faith ‘coz you believed
I’m everything I am
Because you loved me

………

I’m everything I am
Because you loved me