It is about this time every year when things start to feel different. No matter how hard I try to pretend that it’s just another day, it never is.
For most people September signals springtime and warmer weather to enjoy happy times. For me September is laced with sorrow, a reminder that another year without my lovely mother has gone by.
I’ve stumbled through the predictable stages of grief during the past seven years. My heart remains laden with sadness and regret. This tells me I’m yet to reach the acceptance stage.
What I miss the most is chatting with my mum. We talked about everything and would solve the problems of the world together. I always felt better after talking things over with mum. She made everything seem clearer and helped me find solutions to my dilemmas.
As I can’t talk to her now I’ve decided to write mum a letter in the hope it helps me to admit my fears, release my regrets and find peace in my life.
23 September 2013
My darling Mum
No one could have ever told me how much pain I would feel at losing you from my life.
It was so sudden. We spent the day together enjoying life. That night you were lying in a hospital bed frail and broken, looking nothing like my beautiful mum.
Your accident devastated Dad. He rapidly diminished with fear of losing his soul mate. When prompted for a decision about maintaining life support Dad respected your instruction and sadly agreed to have it switched off.
I wanted to scream NNNOOOOOOOOO but remained silent. I wish I’d been brave enough to say I wasn’t ready to let you go . It would have prolonged the inevitable but selfishly I needed more time. For this I am sorry.
After the medical staff disconnected the machines I wanted to stay by your side until the end, but after a while Dad wanted you left alone. I respected his decision and this is my biggest regret. Mum I walked away and left you alone to die. I abandoned you. For this I am sorry.
My memory of your funeral is a blur of tears and pain. The image of your coffin occupies my mind and terrifies me in the darkest hours of the night when I lie awake.
After you died I regularly visited your grave hoping to feel your presence. I never have. I always feel cold emptiness invade my body. I don’t go there much anymore. For this I am sorry.
My long-term memories of you are joyful. Thank you for giving me life and always making me feel the most special person in the world.
You were the glue that held our family together and since you’ve gone our sibling relationships have disintegrated. For this I am sorry.
Lots of lovely things have happened in our lives since you’ve gone, I wish you could have shared them with us. Even though I can’t feel your presence I like to think you’ve been there in spirit.
The truth is I feel like you have abandoned me. I believe your spirit exists but I can’t feel it and not knowing why is the worst feeling.
Please come to me in a dream, land on me as a butterfly or blow in my ear. I need to know you forgive me and still love me so that I can find peace and let you go.
Mum, I’m scared that as more years pass I won’t remember when you were alive.
Your loving daughter