Getting to know you

A year ago I found it difficult to disclose things about myself. Perhaps I was fearful of judgement or maybe I doubted my qualities and uniqueness.

After a series of monumental life situations I experienced a physical and emotional reaction and knew I needed to re-evaluate my existence. My body was screaming at me to find a better way of coping with stress.

My search within led to blogging as an outlet to explore emotions and interact with others about the ups and downs of everyday life.  Initially I was guarded about exposing my vulnerabilities but gradually started sharing personal stories, which began the regeneration of my self-confidence.

As my first year of discovery draws to a close I’m stepping further outside my comfort zone and revealing more about myself that I haven’t blogged about this year.

I’ve written some questions and answers that may connect more of my personality puzzle pieces together. I would love readers to answer the same questions as a post on their own blog or in the comment section to my post. Feel free to answer one or all of the questions, or add new questions, as you wish.

What is your real name and where do you live?
My name is Jennifer Donovan but I prefer Jenna Dee.
I live in Melbourne, Australia

What makes you sad?
I was a lonely child and yearned for a sister close to my own age. As a mother I had a son followed  by two daughters close together in age who grew up as great friends. As adults my daughters are not as connected as they once were and this makes me a little sad.

Seeing the loss in my Dad’s eyes because he misses the love of his life, my mum, who died seven years ago.

What are your major mistakes?
Although I’ve learned to let go of regrets I believe their acknowledgement as a part of our lives is important.

Getting married at 18 remains my biggest mistake. Although legally an adult, I was an unworldly child with no idea of the enormity of my decision. The marriage lasted 7 years and finally failed after we decided to have a child.

When I was pregnant with my first child my husband started ignoring me and staying out all night. I was upset he didn’t want to share the joy of having a baby. I am ashamed to say I began a relationship with a married man I worked with. To me it was nice having someone pay attention to me but to him it was more. He talked about leaving his family to be with me, which freaked me out. I ended the relationship abruptly and broke his heart, which I am not proud of.

When was the last time you cried?
Recently I cried tears of being overwhelmed when I attempted public speaking (described in my post Closer to the Edge) . Sometimes sad movies cause a few tears to fall.

When my mother died seven years ago my tears flowed freely There are only three times in my life I remember sobbing uncontrollably; when my first marriage finally ended, when I lost a baby early in a pregnancy (the first baby for my second husband and I) and when my mother died.

What makes you angry?

• Arrogant people who feel they are superior to others.
• Every type of injustice.
• I feel upset that my daughter who is a lesbian is not entitled to the same privileges as heterosexuals.

What is your most recent happiest memory?
Celebrating our 25^th wedding anniversary this year in Shanghai, China. We travelled to Tongli in rural China to the ancient houses and gardens that hold mystical power over me. As we entered one of the courtyards light fluffy snow started to fall making it a magical memory.

When were you most scared?
Being in Fiji during Cyclone Oscar in 1983. This was the only time in my life that I thought I was going to die and at the moment of realisation a bizarre feeling of peace and calm filled my body.

When my relationship with my son disintegrated and he left home. I was terrified for his safety and well-being.

The night my mother fell and the emergency hospital staff told us that her injuries were the worst kind.

When were you most brave?

• Making the decision to return to university as a mature age student when I was 37.
• Knowing I needed to reclaim my individual identity and revert to using my family name Donovan, even though I knew it upset my husband.

What haven’t you done that you wished you had done?

• Lived independently as a single adult.
• Participated in a study abroad program.
• Taught English in Japan.

What makes you different from most people?

• I don’t like being around a lot of people. Situations such as airports, trains, crowed pubs and shopping malls make me uncomfortable. I like my own company and love being with my family but I don’t have a large circle of friends.
• Unlike most people I prefer silence rather than listening to music or the radio.
• I’m not easily led towards fads, fashion and trends preferring to enjoy my own treasures.

Who has influenced your life?
I met my husband Peter when I was 16 and he was 18 and formed a close friendship. We married 12 years later after my first marriage ended and have now been married for 25 years.

We are different in personality and ideals but it seems to work for us. Peter is my steadying influence and is tolerant and kind. As the person I am closest to, Peter often bears the brunt of my frustrations.

We are a team and I am proud of the parents we are to our children. He is my soul mate and I would be lost without him in my life.

My mother also influenced my life. She was quirky and had an uncanny ability to see through the falseness of some people. My mum saw the best in me and gave me confidence to believe in myself.  After she died I struggled to maintain my self-confidence without her input. My mum was the kindest, most understanding and wise person I have met in my life.

What is the greatest lesson you have learned?
This year has been by far the most influential year of my life creating possibilities for many changes within.

The greatest lesson I have learned is that to change your life all you have to do is change your attitude. It is that simple.

Love you forever

Some days I see my older eyes staring back at me in the mirror, imploring me to stay calm and trust in the universe.

My mantra is to cherish to every beautiful moment before they slip away and to know that troubled thoughts will fade in time.

I acknowledge but find it incredibly challenging to accept that nothing is permanent and  genuine happiness can only be achieved by accepting life as it evolves.

Motherhood brings me joy, contentment and peace. It is the one perfect part of my life that I have never doubted nor wanted to be any different.

Each of my children is precious and unique, my love for them is unconditional and eternal. They are all adults now following their own pathway in life.

This stage of motherhood is so hard, harder than I ever imagined.

It’s not easy letting their hands slip from mine.

Listen to your heart

My heart kept telling me everything would be okay as I struggled to stay strong throughout many years of personal adversity.

My extended family remained silent but I felt their judgment and heard their cruel whispers about my troubled relationship with my son.

I withstood this implied criticism for ten years until they lost interest and pretended we no longer existed.

Over the years I had sporadic contact with my son but it was usually strained and traumatic for both of us.

Only my husband knew the extent of my anguish, only he was supportive.  We both believed one day my son would find his inner strength and conquer his problems that steered him away.

We always hoped he would want us back in his life one day, but knew he had to figure out how to do this in his own way and in his own time. He had to learn to navigate his way back over a very rocky road.

My heart was right.

It started with a couple of upbeat phone calls.

Then one day it was a warm heartfelt hug.

A genuine smile.

Real laughter.

Illustration by Aaron Pocock

And the latest puzzle piece, a picture of his childhood teddy bear with a message saying that Teddy reminds him of so many happy memories.

That old teddy bear and my son Chris have been through a lot together.

I am so happy they have found the path that is leading them back home.

The kindness of strangers

My last post You did your best Jenna was emotion charged and difficult to put into words. It took all my courage to admit to truths I had been carrying inside for way too long. It left me feeling emotionally drained but also satisfied to have written about such a daunting topic.

I had no idea how other people would receive my outpouring. I suppose I hoped my family would want to tell me that they were proud of me.  I imagined each of them hugging me tight and telling me they understood I had coped in the best way I could.

But it was fellow bloggers who were able to eloquently express their understanding and acceptance of a fellow human being who needed reassurance about her life circumstances. They gave me kindness, words of encouragement and the feeling of acceptance I needed in order to move on with my life.

My eternal gratitude goes out to Carrie Lange, ckfus, lauriesnotes, Michele Anderson, spiritteacher, kristijojedlicki,  newbloggycat, Denise Hisey, Julie (aka cookie), Melissa, Village Girl, Chere Harbridge, starlarosa, brindanaidu and iamyourme who reached out and touched my heart with kindness; please know your words helped me overcome the difficulty of accepting and facing the truth.

I will be forever grateful to you for your kindness and pledge to pay it forward.

You did your best Jenna

I’ve buried the truth of this story deep down for almost three decades and now know that in order to finally let it go I have to tell the world what happened to me.

To people embroiled in personal tragedy or family breakdown I urge you to stay strong and believe that things can get better. No matter what happens I want you to know that you are a good person who is trying your best to overcome adversity.

My story is sad and it hurts to write about but it has to be told to set me free and because it may help others going through similar circumstances. Everybody hurts sometime.

My unhappy marriage unraveled in 1984 which filled my life with misery and insecurity. My husband was cruel and manipulative and blamed me for everything.

Maybe he felt trapped by my pregnancy even though we chose to have a baby after six years of marriage. He was spiteful and ignored me by staying out late most nights. My self-confidence was so low I felt powerless.

I was scared of being pregnant and alone so I put up with his bully behaviour hoping that when the baby was born he would change and our life together would flourish.

I was timid and naïve and didn’t share my pain with anyone because I felt like I had failed in my marriage. Even my mother or best friend didn’t know what I was going through because I was ashamed to admit it.

Being pregnant with my first child should have been one of the happiest times of my life but it was intolerable and for this I felt cheated.

When our baby boy was born I was overjoyed even though my husband continued his disinterest. I was terrified of being able to care for the baby while coping with my husband’s unpredictable moods.

My husband walked out of our life when our baby was seven months old. We had built a new house and he lived in it for three months before leaving. Even though I felt relief I also felt cheated out of the delight of sharing a baby and a new house together. There was no joy only pain.

My baby was beautiful and continued to thrive each day. In the early days I put all my energy into loving and caring for him during the day and then lay in bed at night sobbing because I felt like a failure.

Slowly my life began to recover and I discovered I was a much stronger person when I was away from my husband’s cruel comments. My self-confidence improved, my baby was thriving, I found a part-time job and I was re-acquainted with an old friend.

I was happy planning for a special family party for my son’s second birthday when my world fell apart again

After showing no interest in our baby boy for the first two years of his life my husband sent me a letter via his lawyer demanding weekend access rights to our son.

This was followed by several stressful family court hearings and eventuated in having to send my two-year-old boy to stay with his father every fortnight. Nothing can erase the sadness I felt when I handed my baby to his father, who he didn’t know, for the first time.

This was the start of 16 years of disruption and turmoil in my son’s life.

As a teenager my son started playing up as most teenagers do but because he lived in two houses with two different sets of rules he began telling lies about his whereabouts.  He disregarded his private school education and left soon after high school.

The years that followed were dark and scary; I lost my son to drugs. I bailed him out so many times by paying money to people he owed. Each time he promised it wouldn’t happen again and said he would learn from it and turn his life around, but he never did.

I loved my son but I couldn’t live with him anymore and watch him destroy his life as well as that of my family. He was angry, deceitful, uncommunicative and unreasonable. As much as it broke my heart I had to let him go when he was 18 to fend for himself.

It took almost ten years before seeing any signs of improvement. There were times of intermittent contact and periods of no contact mixed in with lots of tearful situations. I managed to carry on living my life but always thought about my son and continued to believe that he would one day find his way to a better life.

Every time he contacted me I told him how much I loved him, how I knew he could rise above his problems and create a better life for himself. He listened but counteracted everything I said with a negative response and my message never seemed to penetrate. This went on for many years.

On Mother’s Day 2013 my son came to visit and he seemed truly happy and he looked healthy. It gave me hope when he genuinely smiled. I hugged him and he hugged me back for the first time in years and it felt like I was holding my son again. I felt his warmth and thought we may be coming out at the end of a long, dark scary tunnel.

The next day I sent him this message

Thank you for visiting me yesterday, it made my mother’s day complete. I am so glad that you seem to be much happier these days in your personal life and in your work life. I knew things would turn around for you. You deserve every success and happiness. I love you forever from Mum

He responded

Thanks mum, couldn’t have done it without you
love you too

This was the first time he had said or written, “love you” in 16 years. His words and the warmth of his hug gave me hope that time can heal human suffering.

I’m not saying everything will be perfect now but it was so nice to feel a brief moment of genuine hope with my son.

That’s it; I am done with reliving the pain of my first marriage and past troubles with my son. I am ready to leave these hurts behind and from today I’ll only focus on the journey ahead in life.

After writing this blog I am metaphorically putting my words on a water-lily and floating it in the ocean to be consumed by the universe to set me free.

It’s time to forgive myself and say “Jenna you coped with adversity the best way you could and I am proud of you.”

Blue bird-of-paradise

I found my voice hidden deep in my soul
And now sing passionately to the sky
Happy in knowing who I am
Will you let me sing you my song?

I love you and your quirky ways
And I don’t try to change you
I just keep loving you more each day
Will you sing the harmony with me?

My sound is a bit different,
And the lyrics not poetic
But to me my songs are beautiful
And singing warms my soul

Let me create my songs and sing them out of key
Sit next to me and hold my hand
Come and sing your songs with me
Will you sing in harmony with me?

Come what may

You never know when things are about to change that will challenge your preconceived concepts about life.

I remember life being less sophisticated in the 70’s when Google,  personal computers or mobile phones didn’t exist.

I learned about sex education from a book in the school library that I didn’t dare borrow and had to read quickly before anyone saw me. Somehow the information sunk in and I later had three children.

I vividly remember cradling my newborn baby daughter Lisa totally awestruck by the radiance of another baby to cherish forever. I hoped my children would be happy, healthy, lead fulfilling lives, get married and have children of their own.

The years spent embracing the pleasures and challenges of raising children flew past and before I knew it my children were adults.

One evening while at a Mexican restaurant I was blissfully unaware that our lives were about to take a dramatic turn. Normally effervescent and great company Lisa seemed preoccupied and I sensed something was troubling her.

After a couple of veiled attempts Lisa eventually managed to steer the conversation towards what she wanted to say.

“Mum and Dad, I’m gay.”

I looked at my husband’s face and knew he too was vulnerable about how to respond. This is not something we had expected. I felt uncomfortable hearing about it in a restaurant with people around us. I couldn’t think straight and was trying to understand what this would mean to our family.

“It’s just a phase you’re going through,” I said apprehensively.

“It is not a phase. I know who I am, I know what I feel and I know I am gay,’ Lisa said forcefully.

“We don’t want your life to be difficult because of social stigmas attached to homosexuality,” her father offered.

“I can’t change who I am to be convenient for society,” Lisa spat back at him.

Lisa tearfully tried to explain her feelings to us but we were still confused by her coming out. The conversation continued until our emotions were exhausted.  After paying for our meal we drove home together with an uneasy feeling in the air.

In bed that night we discussed our feelings about our daughter being gay. We didn’t know anything about lesbians. We knew a few  gay men and thought nothing of it, but this was our daughter, to us this seemed quite different.

After we couldn’t talk anymore I lay in bed going over in my mind what had transpired that evening. With the benefit of time alone to process my thoughts I knew that nothing could taint or change my love for Lisa who would always be my beautiful daughter.

As the light shone through the curtains signaling a new day I was hit by a warm sense of calm and clarity. I knew that all I needed to do was update the preconceived ideas I had when my baby was born all those years ago. It was that simple.

Little things make me smile

Without a doubt, gratitude is one of the most important traits we can nurture to increase happiness.

We can only experience true happiness if we really notice and absorb the beauty and joy of the little things that make a difference to our lives each day.

Today I am grateful for

• The love and loyalty of my little dog Gracie who makes me smile every day.

• The happy phone calls I have been having with my son Chris that are slowly helping to rebuild our once estranged relationship.

• The enjoyment I get from perusing blogs and reading all the posts depicting everyday situations and emotions that I relate to.

• The follows, friendship, advice and comments I receive from other bloggers

Tears in heaven

Mia has been hurting for many years.  A deep sadness has festered in her heart penetrating deep into her soul. She can’t understand why people are unkind to each other.

The people who have the same blood as hers running through their veins openly despise her and she doesn’t understand why.

Mia has held out an olive branch and attempted to reconcile with her brother and sister a couple of times over the years. At Christmastime she sent a heartfelt letter telling them she loved them and of her hope to be friends, but neither responded.

This morning after another restless night she woke with clarity realising that it’s time to let go of the dream of ever being embraced by her siblings.

She tells herself that moving on doesn’t mean giving up it means making a choice to be happy instead of continuing to feel hurt.

Her mum once told her that the greatest step toward a life of happiness is to learn to let go of things you can’t change.

Mia really misses her mum.